Let me begin this post by saying that this decision terrifies me.

WARNING: EXTREMELY ANGSTY POST AHEAD

[credit | leslie ann o'dell]

The title says it all: I've to decided to start my WIP On the Midnight Streets over. For the second time. According to Google Docs, I'm essentially throwing out over 22,000 words. (Obviously I'm backing them up and not throwing them out entirely, but still.) Here are the things I'm planning on doing, to put it bluntly.

• Throw out my current plotline and replace it with one that flows and actually makes sense
• Make changes to my characters and develop them better
• Flesh out my worldbuilding so that my settings are logical and dynamic
• Make OtMS unavailable for public viewing while it's in drafting stages (i.e., take it off of Wattpad and Figment)

I'm rebuilding this book from the ground up, more or less. I'm keeping essential things that have been working for me, and I'm still (hopefully) keeping the spirit of the story that made me love it in the first place. But anything that isn't necessary or coherent? It will be changed.

Why on earth am I making myself go through this agony, might you ask?

The fact of the situation is that I've been working on this novel for almost three years. In that time, I haven't even finished a first draft. I haven't even hit the 50,000 word mark. I always peter out at around 20,000–25,000 words. I tend to make light of that by joking about my "poor long-suffering WIP" and getting guilt-tripped by my friends (we know which one I'm talking about, and yes, you should still love her because her guilt-trips are awesome and absolutely warranted). But if I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm incredibly frustrated and bitter about the fact that I haven't been able to finish this book. It's eating away at me. I feel like it's going nowhere, and consequently, I'm going nowhere.

The logical thing to think about, then, is what my main roadblocks might be. And I believe that I've boiled them down to three main points.

• I'm not making time to write consistently.

I'm a high school student. My sophomore year is starting soon. Being academically successful is very important to me; therefore, I spend a while on my homework. I also practice piano for around three hours every day and have other extracurriculars to do besides. So I won't be able to sit down and write every day for hours at a time. I realize that. Most first-time novelists don't have that kind of gap in their schedule to fill with writing anyway. If I'm going to finish this book, I need to manage my time and dedicate myself to making sure I can write on a regular basis. The truth is I haven't been doing this. I haven't really been making the effort to stay productive. But my hope is that this year, I can change that. I'm hoping to focus more on my work every day so that I can also get at least a little bit of writing in on a regular basis. I'll need to work hard at this. I'll need to keep myself accountable, and only time can truly tell if I have it in me to do this. But I need to believe that I'm capable of this.

• I'm pressuring myself too much for the first-draft stage.

This point breaks down into two subpoints.

A) Online posting. I've been posting half-chapters of OtMS on Figment and Wattpad as soon as they're written. Don't get me wrong; I love these online writing communities and I think they're a wonderful, vibrant new force in the literary world. I also love getting immediate feedback—who doesn't, really? And the serialization approach works for some writers, I know that. But I think what I haven't been realizing these past few years is that serialization doesn't really work for me. It leads me to pressure myself into trying to produce work that my online readers will like rather than giving my story room to breathe. Rather than allowing my draft to be terrible so that it'll be a load of rubbish but at least it'll be done. To fix that, I'm going to be taking OtMS off of Figment and Wattpad.

But never fear! I'll be looking for beta readers if/when (let's make that an optimistic when) my manuscript is ready.

B) My own personality as a writer. I'm very driven by writing style, so I spend a lot of time worrying about my style instead of throwing words down on the page. That makes me a very, very slow writer, and it also gives me a crippling fear of just dragging myself to my draft and going BICHOK (butt in chair, hands on keyboard). To try and remedy that, I want to try Alyssa's sparse drafting technique—make a draft messy, hilariously bad, bare-bones, and likely full of snarky notes to myself in [brackets]. Hopefully this will make edits easier (and more funny!) when (I'm sticking to the word when now) the time for them comes.

• I'm clinging to unnecessary aspects of my book.

Let's face it: I was twelve years old when I came up with the idea for this story. I'm fifteen now. In those years, I've changed more drastically than I ever have in my entire life. It turns out that's how adolescence works. *weeps forever* 

When I was twelve, I wanted to write this book because I was overexcited about the Victorian aesthetic and Cassandra Clare's Infernal Devices series. I basically set out to write a clone of Clockwork Angel with some unsubstantial Les Mis mixed in—complete with love triangle (mine was ill-conceived and not entirely necessary), revolution (mine was incredibly underdeveloped), and magic system (which has since been eliminated because it was so poorly done). I plunged headfirst into this book with some half-baked scene ideas, a whole lot of enthusiasm, and no real inkling of what this story really was. 

Needless to say, OtMS has changed a lot since then, at least in my mind. It's become something more, something real, something that matters to me and that will matter to other people (I hope). This book has seeped into the very fabric of who I am; you could say it's grown along with me. I know that I need to tell this story, that I might very well explode if I give up on it, but I'm still figuring out how it needs to be told. But some of the more questionable twelve-year-old Christina aspects of the book, things that aren't necessary and don't make sense, have still stuck. And I'm not sure why. I think I need to root out those things so that this story reflects its true self and myself better.

The point is, I love this story too much to let it go. I need to write it. But I think it's time to build it the right way and push through so that I can finally give it to the world in the best form that I can get it to. Right now I feel like I've failed miserably—failed my readers, my characters, myself. But there's hope somewhere. There always is. 

I've decided to call this Brave New OtMS. I'm thinking that I'll post on this blog about my progress (in a new post series of the same name) in order to keep myself accountable. This is going to be a painful journey, I know. It's going to be full of anger and insecurity and work, and it'll most likely show me some of my own worst traits as a writer and individual. It's a gamble at best, a complete waste of time at worst. 

Thank you for sticking with me so far. I genuinely appreciate each and every one of you and I can't say it enough. But now I think it's time to turn over a new leaf. 

Here goes nothing everything.

So what do you think? Have you experienced something similar, and if so, how did you deal with it? Do you think this is the right choice, or do you think my brain has turned to mush at last? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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You all must be wondering. (Or maybe I'm flattering myself and you really don't care, but you are terribly bored, so you've come to this blog of mine to try and fix that. Either way, you're reading. Heh.)

WHERE IS OtMS?

Short answer: I'm submitting it to a competition in the hopes that it might win stuff, so obviously it can't be up on the nets while I do that.

Long answer: For the next four months or so, I'll be intensively editing the first fourteen-ish (seven actually, since I cut them in half for Figment) chapters to submit the excerpt along with a synopsis of the book to the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards (http://artandwriting.org/), a national scholarship-type-thingy that has a novel division and would look pretty darn good on my college application if I won something.

I'm not entirely sure about the specifics, but I'm pretty sure national winners of the novel contest get a chance to intern at Scholastic and possibly publish their novel.

I know that one of the winners, Anna Waggener, published her novel Grim as a result. (I'm planning to go read it sometime.)

Which means that I can't have it already up somewhere because... possible publication. With a traditional publishing house.

I've been thinking a lot about this, and I feel that it's worth it, even if I do lose a lot of readers on Figment. This is one of those rare instances where a traditional publishing house will even consider a thirteen-year-old's work.

(Such are the pains of being young.)

There's your answer.

Extension of long answer (the rambling part): To be completely honest with you all - sometimes I really hate being young.

Many of my Fig-friends are at least three years older than I am, so when we talk, I'm often struck by how much I cannot relate to them.

It makes me sad.

There's a lot of constraints that come with being thirteen, I think. Most days it feels like I'm standing on the cusp of something really amazing that I know nothing about. That something must be life. And while I write to try and suppress my fears, I feel so uncertain. I'm so excited for when I'm older, for when people will take me seriously. For the time when my age won't kill my chances at achieving some of my goals. For the time when I'll think I know something about the world and I'll really know it.

But for now, there's thirteen-year-old me to think about.

There are days - so many days - when I just have to concentrate, because everything is so overwhelming. I love writing, of that I'm certain. But there are days when I can't help thinking that all these words will never get me anywhere, and that's just plain scary. I want so badly to not be terrible at writing. I want so badly to write a story that is important to people.

However, thirteen-year-olds aren't supposed to know anything of importance.

Perhaps I'm just being naive. Perhaps it really does get better as time goes on. Perhaps I do have a scrap of talent in me.

Right now, the world tells me, you're just too young. Right now you should concentrate on your grades and extracurriculars like a good girl and leave the word-writing to the brilliant ones. So I try. And I fail. There's always been a writing space in my mind and it won't just go away. But so many people are telling me I'm not ready.

They're probably right.

But what the heck, if Stephenie Meyer can get published, then one more horrible writer unleashed on the world won't hurt that much.

Will it?

And even then.

They tell me I'll keep getting better.

(Good gracious, by next year it looks like I'll have a full-fledged case of senioritis. As a freshman in high school. I'm going to be unbearable to be around. -_-)

PS: I would like to extend a heartfelt thank-you and apology to all of my wonderful, amazing, fabulous Figment readers. Your support has had me over the moon lately, and it's entirely my fault for not letting you all know sooner. Please know that it's nothing against any of you. Also, feel free to leave angry comments on either this post or my Figment wall, and I'll respond as best I can :(

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Hello, everyone! So I haven't died or disappeared or been abducted... yet.

Which means I have no excuse for not posting for MONTHS.

*mea culpa, mea culpa, I'm terribly sorry*

Actually, I might have an excuse. Some of you might know that I joined Figment several weeks ago and have been dreadfully busy setting everything up, promoting my work, making friends, etc. etc. (I suppose this is where you go, "Making FRIENDS? STARFLOWER? NEVER!! O_O") Although this link is in numerous places all around the blog, I'll give it to you again - my Figment profile.

My most recent posts have basically been about this exciting new project I've started, On the Midnight Streets. I've also posted it on Figment, and let me say...

The reactions have been SO MUCH BETTER than I expected. Really.

I've gotten so much enthusiastic support from a wide variety of other talented writers. It's truly inspiring, and now that I have a readership that's relying on me, I feel more pressure to write (okay, except for when I'm posting on this blog).

In fact, one of my Figment idols, Lydia Albano (I have mentioned her here and there) approves of it. *mind = blown* *no really, blown*

This, of course, drove me to the point where I was having sudden hysterical fits of happiness. (Just between y'all and me, I think my family was a teeny bit worried.) Then so many other people came and gave me incredibly insightful reviews, and I just feel so so lucky right now. I can't believe the amazing response my writing is getting, y'know? (Oh, and I've cleaned up the Pages bar up top a bit. I've also updated the "Long-Term Projects" page, polished it and stuff :D)

I joined a few Fig-Groups, mainly fan clubs, but also CPR and the Imaginarium. OTMS was featured on the Imaginarium's front page:

The Imaginarium has over 500 members now, so you can imagine my surprise :3

Which meant that this blog faded into oblivion for a while. (Or even further into oblivion. I still don't know whether I have an audience for my posts most of the time. Teehee.) Especially since I was veery busy squealing about having OVER 20 FOLLOWERS and OVER 30 HEARTS.

Anyway, now that I've gotten all that bragging over with (yes, I know, I know, but you guys are all here for me, right? :3), I need to make a little confession.

I kind of started a thing. Without telling you.

It's called The Birdcage Room, and it's in verse (WAIT, WHAT?!) and it's magical realism (WAIT, WHAT?!)

It was very spontaneous mostly, as the idea just came to me one day while I was reading Anande Sjöden's piece "Jack of Hearts" (which is just as completely amazing and original as "Nattie and Finn", which I'm pretty sure I've fangirled over in the past, so GO LOVE ANANDE NOW even if that sounds a little creepy). Usually, I take novel ideas and mull over them for a reeeaaallly long time before I even get around to starting them, if I start them at all. Except OTMS was being frustrating right around then and I got distracted (SHINY! WHEE!). (Why am I using parenthetical bursts of randomness so much in this post?) Anyway, it soon blossomed into something I thought I could really take to paper, only I had one problem... I had no idea what kind of POV I was going to use. Third-person present sounded good, but... I may or may not be planning another novel in third-person present tense. *hides*

Well, then I hit upon the seemingly excellent (but in fact extremely foolish) idea of writing this thing in verse.

I've never been a great poet. I had a bit of a poetry craze in around second grade, but honestly, I never had any real talent. Then in fifth grade we had another poetry unit, but I can say that I had no fun whatsoever. So I completely surprised myself with the notion. Then I went, "And why not?" and began to write the first chapter. (The link to the novel is on the "Long-Term Projects" page.)

And then, by an odd sequence of events, Kimberly Karalius (another one of my Figment idols) found it and liked it.

It's completely bizarre and I'm seriously feeling so, so loved by whoever is up there or down there or everywhere in between who decides what happens. Whether that entity is God or karma or the Fates. (I support all religions that make people better. So.)

Anyway, it's been crazy. And now I'm making so many lovely Fig-friends, which is incredible. 

Which brings us to the Solemn Promise.

I solemnly swear that my posts from now on will be a great deal more coherent. At the very least. Maybe they'll even be enjoyable to read sometimes.

I won't be doing as many book reviews anymore - my posts will be more writing-related now. I'll only review indie books and/or books by friends of mine (Fig-friends... hint hint). The mission of this blog's book reviews is now to promote amazing up-and-coming authors.

So there's everything. Enjoy the new (much more scatterbrained) me.

*twirls villain mustache*

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